Lily was certainly not perfect, and she would not have liked me to lie and make her out to be perfect either. And not everyone thought of her as a friend. Unlike our eldest sister JJ, who was an obedient and responsible child, Lily was somewhat the family rebel. She liked to have fun, and had many run-ins with our parents when it came to matters of chores and curfews. She also had a temper that JJ and I – for lack of a better description – simply feared!
Those of you who read my eulogy to JJ may recall that she and Lily spent some time away from the family when Lily was only 6 years old. The result of this was that Lily and JJ were always very close, but my relationship with Lily suffered for a majority of our childhood. I think Lily simply held a belief that I was the cause of them being sent away, so she branded me “mommy & daddy’s pet”, and it didn’t help that I got the toys and all the fun stuff where they got only clothing and school supplies – as kids, they didn’t know what the priorities of life were and that my parents were too poor to buy them everything they would have liked.
Lily never attempted to endear herself to anyone. You either liked her or you didn’t! Yet, this is not to say that Lily was a mean and bad person. Contrarily, it simply means she was straightforward and honest – she didn’t pretend to like people and then gossip behind their back; she told things as she saw it – her feelings were always as clear as day.
She in fact had an extremely big & generous heart that extended to many years of volunteer work for charitable organizations in Canada (Heart & Stroke Fdn, Cancer Society, Migraine Fdn) and copious money donations to the poor of the world and child sponsorship (even when she was poor herself!). She was a regular blood donor and a registered organ donor (her corneas were successfully used to give a blind person sight).
As siblings, we grew up poor but were taught good solid values by our parents. JJ, Lily & I vehemently disliked pretentiousness and materialism in others, and we always tried to choose our friends carefully and wisely. Unfortunately, Lily’s penchant for having fun also landed her in trouble, the most outstanding of which was her short-lived marriage.
Lily’s relationship with her ex-husband created the biggest rift between the two of us. I disliked her ex from the start and disagreed with the marriage. I even hurled hurtful and hateful names at her that one sibling should never say to another, and it seemed for a time that she & I would remain alienated forever. But thankfully our sibling love reconciled after her marriage ended.
For my part, and despite all we had gone through, it was Lily whom I held on a pedestal and admired more than I did JJ (whom I unfortunately simply took for granted). When I turned 12, Lily took it upon herself to show me the “adult” world and took me to my first real disco experience, unbeknownst to our parents. We became “partners in crime”, cajoling and role-acting our way through various situations — from getting a p/t job for me (illegal at the time as I was under-aged), to enticing ridiculous bargains out of store owners by showcasing how poor we were (we would then celebrate with ice-cream afterward!). Had we chosen such a path, I think Lily & I could have made one heck of a con-artist team – such was our ability to feed off one another and improvise b–s— when required!
Lily, like me, was a Piscean. We had the same sense of humor, the same taste for the arts, music, movies, food, books & authors (the late great humorist Erma Bombeck, whom I share a birthday with), etc. We shared similar friends, and even once dated the same guy (though it turned out he was only using me to try to make Lily jealous, and Lily sure mouthed him off for that!!). JJ & I tended to avoid confrontation in potentially argumentative situations, but Lily was never afraid to stand up for herself and fight for her rights. It was only through watching Lily that I learned to speak out more if I was being victimized.
Most of my vacations and travels were spent with her, either with our parents or just the two of us alone. We fought and we loved each other, all in one breath. I learned from Lily’s mistakes and her strengths alike. I envied her unwavering zest for life.
And because she didn’t try to endear herself to me the way JJ did, it was Lily’s love and admiration I craved the most! While in Hong Kong, and prior to Lily and JJ’s predicaments, I had started writing a non-fiction book on religion and the meaning of life (subjects I had been obsessed with since the age of 10!). In 1995, after the book was 80% complete, I sent the first chapter to Lily for her review. As an avid book reader, Lily was very critical of what she read, and I recall waiting in dread of her reaction.
Although I no longer have the email, I will never forget what she wrote: “I have never read anything so interesting and so well-written in my life, and you know I have read a lot of books in my time. I am so chuffed (S. African lingo for “proud of”) with you. I can’t wait to read the rest….” Lily suggested the title for my book to have the word “Beginnings” and I did indeed name it, “New Beginnings: A Debate into the Purpose of Life”. But I was already so proud, happy, and content with her comments that I never completed the book! On the day of Lily’s funeral, I placed the only print-out copy I had of the unfinished manuscript in her coffin and allowed it to be cremated with her. It was validation enough for me that my greatest critic of all had loved my work!
Because Lily could no longer interact with people in a normal manner during her final months, even her friends had started to view her with pitiful sympathy only. But she proved herself my hero, even into her last days. On about the 2nd day in the Palliative Care ward, I had fed Lily some ice-cream, it being her favorite food. But, because she hadn’t eaten for several days, her intestinal system couldn’t handle it and she immediately had diarrhea. My parents had already gone home for a brief rest and the palliative care ward was severely short-staffed. I didn’t want to leave Lily lying in the mess for a minute more than she had to, so I decided to clean her up on my own.
An adult disposable is essentially the same as a baby’s diaper, but with Lily’s weight and condition, changing it involved her having to roll to one side and hold that position while being cleaned, and then she could roll back cleansed onto a fresh disposable. But Lily was already slipping between clarity and confusion, so I wasn’t sure if she remembered our usual routine at home or even if she was strong enough to stay lying on her side.
I explained to her what I was about to do and she seemed to nod weakly, as if she understood. I got everything together and then said, “Ready, set …go!” In the way we had done countless times before, I pushed her onto her left side and she grabbed onto the bed side-rail with her right hand while I frantically started the clean up (her left hand was already useless at this point). But it was a bigger mess than I’d anticipated and it was taking me longer than usual to do a proper cleaning with just one hand while supporting her back with my other hand… “Hold on Sis, just a few more minutes… hold on, you’re doing great!!!”
The essence of who Lily was revealed itself at that very moment when I saw her right hand starting to shake visibly on the bar-rail and her body sagging slightly. But, weak as she was, she held onto that rail with all her might, because she understood what I was trying to do for her and she was determined to help me out even if it meant sapping every last ounce of her bodily strength to do so. When I finally gave her the okay to let go of the rail, she slumped back exhausted, knowing she had just made the last monumental achievement of her life. She weakly gave me a high-five and a smile, while I whooped and laughed, “We did it, we did it!!” Never had anyone been so happy over a diaper change!
And yet, this is the Lily I will always remember — not the weakened, delusional, disfigured brain cancer patient who had every ounce of human dignity stripped from her, but the strong determined woman who faced some of the biggest hurdles of life, and to the very end said, “Bring it on! I will handle it!” This is the Lily I will forever admire, remember, and love!