My dad, Lok Wing Seng (陸永盛, Victor Look), was born in “Lucky Village” in Foshan, Guangzhou (佛山南海吉利村) circa Jan 3, 1929. His South African paper birth date was June 6, 1936, making him officially 7 years younger, and that was the birthday he preferred to celebrate.
It’s coincidental that my favorite book is David Copperfield (DC) by Charles Dickens, because it turns out dad’s early life in China mirrored that of DC quite a bit. My Ye-Ye (dad’s father) had died from illness when dad was only 6 or 7 yrs old (similar to DC’s). Dad had 2 siblings, a baby brother and an infant sister, who had both died of illness too (mirroring DC’s infant sister), rendering dad an only child.
Similar to the book, dad’s young mother was approached by a man who proposed that if she married him, he would provide dad with an education. The condition was that dad will not join the family. So, dad stayed with his paternal grandmother while his mom left.
Dad barely saw his mother after this and would refuse to see her when she did try to visit him a few times. I remember being told by my “Ah Tai” to never mention my grandmother in front of dad as it upsets him.
My “Ah Tai” (阿太; pictured next to mom) is my Aunt Lin Loo’s mom, whom everyone knew as “Gow Mo” (九母 or “Elder 9”). Aunt Lin (pictured at far left with dad) is my Ye-Ye’s half-sister (by a common father) and hence dad’s aunt.
In his teen years, Dad hung out with some fisherman, helping them to cook rice and tie up the boats. He told me those idyllic days were the happiest of his youth as he spent most of the time sleeping — a talent he got very good at! It was also when he developed his love for “yu sang” (魚生; raw fish).
Dad had very little formal childhood education, as the man who “stole” my grandmother never followed through on his promise to send him to school. Eventually, dad’s grandmother convinced him to pick up a trade skill, so dad moved in with a master tailor to learn sewing skills.
It was during this time that Dad (like DC) was ill-treated by his “sifu” as dad tended to nod off to sleep a lot, so his “sifu” would hit his head hard with a yard stick to wake him up. Dad got hit so many times that he decided to run away and walked miles and miles to get back home (again, similar to DC’s story). His grandmother begged “sifu” to give dad another chance, and he did finally graduate with all the sewing skills we know him for.
The saddest part of dad’s China tale is that when he was ~20 yrs old, he finally visited his mom and pleaded with her to leave with him, as he was old enough to take care of her. Perhaps she had other children by then (dad never did find out), but my grandmother declined.
Heartbroken, that was the final time dad ever saw or heard of his mom again, as he decided to join my Ah Tai in South Africa. He never knew when his mom died or where she was buried.
So, that’s the story of how dad ended up in SA. He later met my mom, who was kind of a fangirl of his ‘coz dad had some minor fame from performing Cantonese opera. As he tells it, he was working for mom’s older brother then and crashed a party of his, where he saw her.
Apparently, her first words to him were, “Sing for me!” [Mom never mentioned asking him to sing when she told the story!] That led to several months of dating and their marriage on June 16, 1957, and the rest is history!
Perhaps because dad felt abandoned by his mom, he made it a point to be the best hands-on dad that he could be, despite that he was saddled with 3 hen-pecking daughters and no sons and was poor as can be, needing to take on extra work as a bakery delivery driver while running his fish & chip shop with mom in Benoni in the early days. But, he still always made time for us kids!
(Uncle Hung & Kum Loo, Dad & JJ, Uncle & Winnie Wong)
I recall we disrupted his mahjong game once in the early 1970s, as he had promised to take us to the drive-in. We ended up watching Bôland, which we didn’t know was an Afrikaans movie and so had no frickin’ idea of what was going on since our Afrikaans proficiency was really crappy!
But, dad didn’t complain that he’d missed mahjong for this! He bought BBQ chicken from the concession stand and we ate it together in the car – that was his special treat & time with us, no matter the lousy movie.
[Left] Dad & Sis hamming it up; mom & me trying to look more dignified. We had some great times.
This is my fave pic of all of us. Why no-one thought to face me in the right direction, I’ll never know. Methinks I have the designer of that stroller to thank for my strong sensitivity to motion sickness!
But, it was almost prophetic that all those facing the camera are now gone…
While Lily was undeniably mom’s favorite and JJ was the cherished 1st daughter, I became dad’s de facto “son” after mom miscarried a fourth child and couldn’t have any more children. During my early childhood, dad dressed me up in boy’s clothing and kept my hair short (he really, really, really wanted a son!), and I was always upset that JJ & Lily got all the pretty dresses and dolls and I ended up with the long pants and toy weapons!
The son he never had… I kid you not. That’s JJ & Sis in dresses and me looking like the rest of the boys!
Still, dad did once sew me a dress using different bits of scrap car-seat leather. I hated that dress then because it didn’t look anything like JJ & Lily’s pretty store-bought frocks. And of course, I cried like a drama queen. [I’s too young to know dad couldn’t afford to buy new clothes and I’s in line for hand-me-downs.] But, when I think back on it now, that dress was an incredible work of art that he had personally designed and skillfully & lovingly pieced together.
I can still picture it in my mind and I’m sad there are no photos of it. I was actually like Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, except mine was a technicolor leather dress. I regret that I gave dad so much grief over it back then.
And he did buy me a new doll eventually when I was ~4 yrs old (which I still have to this day and have left instructions to be buried with!).
[Left] Mom’s best school friend, Aunty Joyce, gifting them a 50th wedding anniversary award plaque in San Francisco in July 2007
Dad was my best friend from the day I was born. My earliest memory ever is of the 2 of us sparring with plastic toy swords in the Benoni shop; I couldn’t have been more than 3 yrs old then!
Dad taught me basic kung fu and, when I was older, how to shoot his revolver and German pistol. I have great memories of going with him to the illegal firing ranges at the mines and shooting beer bottles together, although he always loaded the guns for me; I was never otherwise allowed to touch or clean them.
Still, it’s no wonder I beat Robert hands down in Call of Duty and Halo video games (despite he did Taiwan military training)! It’s probably also why I remain a jeans & T-shirt tomboy at heart to this day, much to Robert’s dismay.
[Right] Dad always remained playful at heart and mom played along… to a point. But mom loved travelling more than dad did.
I remember one time, mom was really mad at me for something and felt I needed a well-deserved spanking, which she tasked dad to do. Dad took me to the back room, closed the door, and started rolling up a magazine into a tight rod. He then said, “Get ready”, and proceeded to whack the table hard with the magazine and yell in Cantonese “Do you dare do this again?!” I caught on very quickly and loudly yelped “I won’t, I promise I won’t”! He whacked the table again and I gave out another loud cry.
We carried on this charade for several more whacks, giving an Oscar-worthy performance. Dad then turned on the tap, splashed water in my eyes and whispered to me to keep rubbing it so it gets red and to pretend to nurse my bum on the way out. I don’t know if mom was savvy to what went on, but she never said anything. In fact, she looked a bit heartbroken, so I guess dad & I coulda gotten that Oscar after all.
Dad finally gave up treating me like a boy when someone asked him at a dinner how old his son was, and he saw the distressed look on my face; I was about 10 yrs old then.
After that, he turned his attention to guiding me in business and financial skills instead, instilling in me the ability to become independent at an early age and allowing me to strike out on my own after graduation.
He was my personal driver up until I left SA in 1986, since I only got my license at the age of 21. No matter where or how late in the night, all I had to do was call him after a party and he’d be in his PJ’s picking me up – even at 2 am! He would pick me up at Wits on his way home from his butchery in Newlands.
That was another routine we had. He would be sitting in the car eating a bag of Simba vinegar chips. I would ask him, “Where’s mine?” and he’d shrug and act nonchalant and keep munching. Then, he’d reach into the back seat and produce my bag of onion-flavor chips with a “Ha hah!” He did this EVERY time, like he’d never played the joke before. But, it was our thing, and yup, we would eventually both end up with Type 2 diabetes from a love of potato chips!
Whereas Lily inherited dad’s artistic talents (I remember he loved entertaining his little cousins with super-quick sketches of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck), I who can only draw stick diagrams inherited his love of music and an appreciation for Cantonese opera and Chinese instrumental music. [I inherited mom’s love for writing, whereas JJ & Sis shared her love for shopping!]
Another early memory of mine is him carrying me backstage and a sea of ladies with pink/white-painted faces coming up to pinch my cheeks and scaring the crap outta me! His proudest moment was his 2003 performance in Toronto in front of a real, large ticket-paying audience.
[Left] Dad’s 2003 performance in Toronto
Admittedly, mom & I weren’t thrilled that he was playing the part of an old woman, but when he sashayed onto the stage and I heard the crowd cheering, laughing, & praising his comedic act, I wanted to stand up and proudly say “That’s my dad!”
I actually learned 2 famous pieces while I was in HK, and dad couldn’t stop laughing when I tried singing it for him at karaoke, but I knew he was touched that I’d tried.
He championed everything I did career-wise. And, when I moved apartments within HK and from HK to Singapore, dad & mom were there. He helped arrange the furniture in my apartments while I went to work and even laid down all the linoleum flooring on his own!
Finally, in his years in Canada, dad & I grew even closer as we battled Lily & mom’s illnesses side by side.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for him as a father, having just buried his beloved eldest child and now watching the next fruit of his labor being slowly taken from him and not being able to save her life.
I can still picture him on Father’s day 2001, rubbing Lily’s tummy while she lay unconscious in hospital. She had been unconscious for several days, but her eyes flew open that day and she responded to him. It was the best Father’s day gift for him by far.
By the time mom’s dementia became apparent, dad was already in his 80s and physically & emotionally exhausted. I suggested he stay with Robert while I stayed with mom in the condo, but he felt bad about leaving me to handle mom alone. So he stuck it out, and it was hard for him because mom’s illness wasn’t easy to deal with.
I’m grateful that he always trusted me and listened to my suggestions. After mom’s death, he was hesitant to try the retirement home and also fearful that his peers would gossip that his daughter had abandoned him.
Still, he tried it out anyway and for 7 years got to experience a 2nd family of great nursing & care staff and new friends & mahjong buddies. He enjoyed many retirement home outings, which allowed him to live rather than just exist, which is what I’d wanted for him all along. I was very proud of him, as many Chinese parents would refuse outright to stay in a retirement home.
Dad would often lament that he was an uneducated man and felt his peers looked down on him. I frequently had to remind him that he came to SA with no English skills whatsoever, and despite a lack of basic childhood education, managed to speak English, Swahili, & some Afrikaans, run his various businesses, raise 3 daughters, and get us all educated and me through ‘varsity – that’s nothing to feel ashamed about!!!
[Right] Dad learning butchery skills in SA.
Both Robert & I loved listening to his history stories, and he patiently indulged Robert’s badly accented Cantonese questions about his early travel to SA. I have enough juicy gossip about the early SA Chinese community to write a book (and collect bribery fees not to publish it)!
He lived a full but hard life, and I wish things could have been better for him, especially in terms of more grandchildren. But despite his lot in life, dad remained humble and a good decent man to the end.
The personal-care staff & nurse cried genuine tears when they bade him farewell at the retirement home, and even his palliative-care nurse (who saw my dad once a week over the past 11 months) dropped by to personally express how much he will miss my dad and his bright smile. That’s the deep impression dad left on the people who cared for him.
Dad was my provider, mentor, teacher, relationship/marriage counsellor (‘tho he sided with Robert more!), best bud, and brother-in-arms. He was also the last member of my family with whom I could share memories of mom, JJ, & Sis. His passing leaves a void in my life that can never be filled.
But, I’ve come to terms with the fact that his quality of life was no longer making him happy and I can only hope I didn’t abuse him too terribly under my care. Most of all, I hope that he is now reunited with everyone he loves.
Upon his death at the age of 91 on July 9, 2020 (4:30 pm), I whispered to dad to find his mother and reconcile with her… I believe he will and will finally come to understand the choices she made, having experienced the hardships of life and parenthood himself.
